The repeated hospitalizations and surgeries have been hard on Jan's family. "My son coped by practicing complete avoidance. For years he didn't want to come to the hospital; he didn't want to have anything to do with it," Jan says. "My daughter clung to me. She would lie on my bed and say, 'Mother, are you going to die?' She actually came to terms with it much sooner than my son did, because she confronted it squarely." Only now, as an adult, has her son been able to be a real support to her when she is in the hospital, to which Jan credits the influence of her daughter-in-law.
Right from the beginning, Jan's husband was "a rock," fully behind her decisions. But cancer and its treatment take a toll on even the most loving partnerships. Physical intimacy is often part of the issue, since cancer treatments so often affect sexuality. Her first surgery included a complete hysterectomy, which "threw me into surgical menopause," Jan says. Because of her type of cancer, she hasn't been able to take hormone replacement therapy to offset the resulting vaginal drying and shrinkage, which has made vaginal intercourse impossible. |
"You learn to live with that," she says, "but it takes a lot of understanding, a lot of talk."
T alk, in f act, is what helps Jan survive. She tries to spend her time only with those friends with whom she can communicate in a "conscious, authentic way," as she puts it. "I call them my 'heart people,' because we relate on the heart level, telling the hard truths, sharing our dreams." Often, they'll share on a run or hike or during tai chi practice. Jan keeps in peak physical condition to prepare for surgery and to feel vigorously alive.
Twice a year, Jan has a CT scan to detect new rumors. "As many as I've had, you'd think I could breeze right through this, but I've got one next Monday and I'm anxious right now. I think I'll be fine, but it's such an interruption. It's painful."
But, she adds, "I can deal with all that, because I just have to live through it moment by moment. That's the secret." |
